And to be honest, right now that is just what I need to do. My journey has begun and I am enjoying the crap out of it. (even though it is still difficult and confusing at times) PATIENCE. Patience is a big challenge for me.
Went to Bonnie's surprise birthday party with Nancy last night and it was a lot of fun. Nancy came over and I drove. She came in for a few minutes and looked around ( it must have been a while since she was actually inside the house ) and she said she really likes my decor. That really made me feel good, a pleasant surprise. I took a look around with new eyes and decided, yes, I do like my house too. Just need the bathrooms re-done and new carpet and I will be really happy.
The party was fun. Got to see people that I have not talked to since Chip's funeral. But some of the things some of them said were a little hard and I want to record that here so I can process. One cousin was asking about the farm and my new job and such and then stated : " That must be so hard for you, now that you are alone and don't have anyone to help." She was asking about how I could possibly take care of all of this by myself ( don't yet know ) and, my gosh, you own 4 properties, how ever can you keep up with it all, and starting a new job on top of it, after just losing your soul mate... do you mow all that grass yourself? (yep) How do you take care of everything? etc. ,etc. And the one that really hurt ( though I know it was offered with love and compassion ) was " well the hardest thing must be not having your soul mate around to discuss things with. To voice your concerns with and ask his opinions and get his encouragement". Why, yes. That is probably the reason I cry myself to sleep many nights. I know exactly what he would say, though. With the job, he would be saying " you've got this Red. Way to go! Now just go with the flow ( motioning with his arm ) and relax. "
And with the farm - well, he just told me to relax and live my life. But he knows that now. In physical life, he would be the one going, " Oh my God we have to get the chainsaw going and cut up all those trees that just came down in that storm." Ack. And I would be all like " Aw, it's still a little cold and windy for that, lets stay here and pop some popcorn and watch a movie.." Life Without Work Is Guilt, Work Without Art --Brutality.
My art could be getting that horse trained and ready to dance. But now he is really limping on that right hind. Looks like the cannon bone at the fetlock. Tendon maybe? Ok, so remember, Chip said if it was love I needed to get Buck, and this is love, so get him. He is here whether I can ride him or not. Love is love. And that brings me to another thought. At the party we were talking about someones niece that was a vet, and Nancy stated " Cindy, you should be a vet". The others agreed. They told me "you're not too old.." I didn't go into why I decided I could not be a vet, even though it was a dream of mine. As a teen, I was so empathic and sensitive that I knew that I could not bear to see animals or people suffer. I couldn't take in all of the emotions. I was scared and had no understanding of what I was experiencing. So I walked away from it. No regrets mind you. If it were meant to be, it would have been. But even though I pushed aside the emotional part of it, I retained the clinical part, and don't at all mind tending to the wounds and such. Pulling a calf is incredibly satisfying. God, I remember all those nights Chip and I would camp out at the barn, sometimes ( most of the time ) in the cold, snow, or rain, or 100 degree weather. Sitting side by side on a bale of hay, Falling asleep on each others shoulders, waiting for the right moment to go in and start helping. Me reaching in and finding the fore feet and snagging them with twine so Chip could start pulling. And the relief of mother, baby and us when the calf popped out all wild eyed and gooey. Then a quick swipe of my little finger in his nostril, a pinch to get him to take a breath, and what a rush!!
Gonna get very personal and vulnerable here, fair warning.
On Sunday Morning today they had a piece on telling people what you need to say, in case you never get another chance, and having no regrets. Funny, I posted something like this a few days ago. I am fortunate that I got to say everything that I needed to. I may not have gotten a lot of answers back, since Chip was not able to speak at that point, but I know he could hear me, and he still does hear me and knows absolutely, without a doubt how I feel about everything. I could have told him how much all of those wonderful things he did for me mean. How every time he left a rose for me on my windshield, or brought me a plant or flowers, or when he wrote "I Love You" on the kitchen table in macaroni, how much all of those things meant to me. How much I appreciate him always being there for me and that I was always blown away by his wisdom. What a great heart he has. He is my everything. And I hope that he got everything he needed from me too. That's what I would like to know for sure. Could I possibly have even come close to giving that great man everything he deserves? But he and I always shared our feelings. Not just after he got sick, but all of our relationship. It is so annoying to me to watch those movies and tv shows that feature unrequited love and all those games people play back and forth in relationships. Good Lord, just say how you feel already.
Okiedokie. now, I have been nudged. Gonna go and live a little. First gonna try to mow. Then, gonna settle in for some lunch and my Kindle.
{LOVE LOVE LOVE}
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