You know that feeling you get when you realize that someone cares about you. Really, truly cares about you? Several times today I was gifted with that realization. And along with that, I was able to finally decide what I think is bothering me. I am tired of second guessing. I want to know where I stand in life. This is going to be one of those posts where I have to be very open and authentic, and in sharing my pain, hopefully maybe someone else will get some insight and healing from these words.
First, I know that I am naive. And that I do not want to get hurt. And I have been working on looking into past relationships that were hurtful, in which my trust was betrayed. And all of a sudden I have been uncovering some deep wounds that I had long ago considered forgotten. It is really difficult to trust and to open your heart, however I have always just thrown mine out there with the hopes that only good, kind, honest and loyal people would grab it and hold it and cherish it. I can't bear to be hurt, to have my heart broken, to be betrayed. And since I am working on remembering these past hurts, I think it is bringing up those fears of betrayal again. This is something to be worked through, not hidden from, but it has been difficult. Remember, my heart has been broken. I miss my beloved soul mate more than words can ever express. And there are days when it is much harder than others.
And I also am afraid that I could become too dependant on people. And that dependence and vulnerability is also very frightening. And yes, it is a beautiful thing to be an innocent, loving trusting soul. But the dark side to that is you can be easily taken advantage of and hurt, and there is a huge fear looming over me about this. And I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else. I feel myself closing up with the fear, closing myself off and going inside myself to try to hide from it. Sorry BS. Hmmm... yesterdays post - "sever the link to the fear". See, Chip always protected me. Still does, I know that. I sense deeply that if anyone tried to screw with me, had less than the very best of intentions for me, Chip would intervene somehow and keep me safe. And perhaps he is doing so by bringing these friends into my life.
These friends of mine. Tonight I just want to touch on a couple of them, because you have so touched me today. The fact that you really do have my best interests at heart means the world to me. You have brightened my day with your crazy antics and your kind consideration. Really I am amazed at the lengths you went to in looking out for me. At this very sensitive point in my life, when I am questioning my purpose and my instincts and my very heart, you are all there, cheering me on and symbolically holding my hand. Oh, hell. BMK - thank you for,well, your advice and everything. And Candice - ditto!! And I know that you guys tease me for being so naive, but I also know that you aren't going to tell me that I am stupid for having hopes and dreams. You probably don't understand, but your friendship gives me courage. I am so grateful to have you and the entire CK gang on my side. Besides Beth, I have never worked with a greater group of awesome people.
So much more I want to say but the words don't seem to want to come. Oh god, am I getting blocked again? Just know that you are all very cherished and how much it means that you have my back.
BS, tonight was not my best, for sure. My impatience, fear and insecurity has gotten the best of me over the last several days as I question what life has in store for me. Things seem to go so well and so quickly, and then there is a stand still that makes me feel left out and lonely. And the conversation about selling the farm and the beach? We need to finish that one. I think I am feeling some guilt over that. Just need to sort some things out, that's all. Just want to continue working on connecting with spirit, and after the last several weeks of feeling close and grounded, this last week has found me feeling lost. Yup, just need to work through it. Need to center and ground and get out of my head.
I am feeling a bit un authentic tonight because there is so much that I cannot say in this blog that I would like to say to everyone in person. But personal is personal and while I bare my soul for the most part, some things need left unsaid, and rather felt. Feel it. Know it. I care deeply and appreciate you all.
And soon I shall be back on track and I will be fucking awesome!!!