Saturday, June 1, 2013

Reflections In The Mirror

Took a long walk and just got back. It is overcast and drizzly on Guinea Run Farm, and the cows and horses are in the woods laying around and having a peaceful, lazy day. Sounds like a wonderful idea.
The fields smell of the sweet honey locust blossoms, clover and alfalfa. The hay and pasture is almost shoulder height. The timothy is out of the boot and ready to be cut. But today is a day of rest for all.Too wet to bush hog, or garden, perfect day for reflection.

Was looking at Zoe's little heifer. She is so different from all the others. A real throw back to the old days, when we had pure bred Simmental. She reminds me of the old times, the old girls. Reddish beige and white with white face, long legs and horns. Horns! Its been 15 years since we had horns. Joe, you crazy bull. And I can't help but think that Chip had something to do with this. He sent her. To remind me. Of the old days. The beginning.
And I am reminded that I miss him so much. And then- I know. I am told. We agreed to this. Long ago, long before. Lovingly we agreed. He would be here, teach me, love and protect me. Then he would need to go. To allow me to have an adventure of my own. To find myself. He knew. Looking back all those years, he knew. Whether it was consciously or not, he was aware of this. He remembered. And after all, in the eyes of eternity, this is but a flash. But still, still I wish that we could go back, change things up. Give us another 20 or 30 years, I'll hold off on my own growth, just give us back that time. And then I am reminded that he is still here. He is still guiding me. Cheering me on. And always will be. And the sense of peace returns.
Sometimes I still feel small and scared. Like a young child with a bicycle. The training wheels are now off and she sits on the seat, held balanced by a loving father. Heart racing, she is both fearful and excited. They begin to move forward, she grips the handlebars and grits her teeth. Don't let go, don't let me fall. "I'm here. I'll always be here. I won't let you fall." She picks up speed, pedalling furiously, the wind whipping across her face, lost in the freedom. Then, the realization hits. She is doing this. A glance back shows her father standing in the driveway, huge smile on his face, waving her on encouragingly. And so she rides. And rides. She feels the joy. She feels the love, the protection, the encouragement. He is still there. Go and have this adventure, it's ok. It's your turn. And as she rides, she becomes confident, and she understands.There is so much to explore.  And then, when her ride is finished, she will turn the bike back and pedal home. Into his waiting, outstretched arms.

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