Sunday, June 30, 2013


This topic has been on my mind all weekend.

What does one do when the past is too painful to remember and the future is too frightening to contemplate? Have courage. One of the greatest ways that courage can be exhibited is in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, let your true feelings show, even if at the mercy of others' opinions and judgment. Sure, it's difficult. You never know how the other person will react. But if you don't, how will you ever know the outcome? There is no shame in admitting you are afraid. That is the first step. There may be some who will try to take advantage of your vulnerability, but that will only serve to show you who you can trust. Life is a series of learning experiences.  Whether perceived as good or bad, the lessons all come together to help you grow and gain wisdom. And the people who come to you along the way, good or bad, are your teachers. Have courage.

There are so many examples. The courage to stand up to a bully. To tell someone you love them.  To voice your opinion. To dance when others are sitting still. To speak your heart. To cry openly when you need to. And on and on. And it is hard, because you are allowing others to see you at what you consider a weak moment. So yeah, that is courage. Oh, there are many forms of courage and I am just focusing on the courage of the heart. There are people who risk their lives every day for the safety of others, not only are they courageous, but also heroes. God bless them all.

An example: I have come to trust many people these last few months. And also to cut the ties from some old friends who turned out to not be trustworthy.  It is difficult to make a break of someone you were once close to. And equally hard to open your heart to others, without fear of being betrayed. Recently in my journey I have come across people who I believe truly have my best interests at heart. They are treating me as if I am a sister, someone they are looking out for. I have allowed them to see the part of me that is usually closed off and hidden from the world. For the most part, I am smiling, happy, friendly. Few have observed my inner pain. How many have commented that they had no idea that I have experienced so much tragedy in the last few years? That they would never guess, by my positive attitude? That is because I refuse to allow the things that have happened to me drag me into despair. I have my moments, but as above, the incidents of your life are catalysts for your growth and evolution. So these people, through this blog, and by my sharing with them personally, know me more deeply. Used to be Chip was the only one. Now many of you know. I have decided that life is too short to hold grudges. To not live true to your heart and soul. To not love with all your heart. Someone asked me this weekend, " So you really loved your husband a lot, then? " My God, yes!
I told him, " With all my heart, with all my soul. He is the love of my life, my soul mate." I think this person was in awe of my ability to love so deeply and completely. And it is sad to think that he does not experience that same intensity of love in his own life. It takes courage to share your heart. But oh, the rewards.

And I need to work on some areas of my own life where I need to exhibit some courage. Self confidence. Admitting I need help and reaching out for it. Accepting help when it is offered.  Admitting that there are things that I just cannot do on my own. Maybe even admitting that there are some things that I no longer care to do, and accepting that this does not mean that I have failed.
Then that brings up something else. I am being nudged to take lots of pictures of the place. I believe that it is possibly to prepare me in making a big decision. And as I go out and take the pictures, the memories well up. Memories of good times. Of being together. And, though these are happy memories, there is a pain that arises along with them, for these were things we did together, places we walked together. Everything is different now. He still walks with me, this I know. And my heart is filled with so many conflicting feelings. I want to keep this going. For him. But can I do this? Ah, too much for one night. Time for a break to reconnoiter the subject at a later time. So there. I just bared a bit of my soul to you. Was vulnerable. Thank you my special friends.


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