Way more than I have time to fit into one post. You know how it feels when someone points out something that has been on your mind for a very long time and you have been afraid to acknowledge those thoughts? Something that has been eating at you and bothering you and tearing you up inside, and you don't want to think about it because you feel helpless and afraid of the consequences? And then they bring it up and into the open and you begin a dialog about all those thoughts and feelings and the repercussions of this decision over that one, etc. And you come to some realizations, and you begin to feel a wave of peace, and you know that this is just the beginning, but now it is out there and off your shoulders in some ways. Still a lot of work to be done, decisions to be made. But the first step has been taken, the first hurdle has been cleared. Yes, I do feel a great sense of peace right now. You knew that this has been on my mind for a long, long time and I guess that now was the time to bring it up. And now the work I must do will be hard, I know. You see, I feel that I have obligations, and commitments. Yes, the greatest obligation is to myself, I now know this, but there are 40 years of conditioning to overcome. My love and my loyalty mean everything. But you know how I feel, you know the weight on my shoulders, and the heaviness on my heart when I think of this. Selling the farm in Indiana is not a hard decision, Chip and I talked about that last year and decided it was the best thing to do. No guilt there. Selling Bella, the Russian whore, was ok - we talked about that too. But other things that I do, or need to do, without Chip's input cause pain and worry, because I just don't know if he approves or not and I do not want to dishonor him or disappoint him in any way.
Getting the tattoo was one of the first decisions I have made on my own in a long time. And it gave me such a feeling of independence. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, without question or hesitation. And I need to remember that feeling, because I will need to call upon it again when I make these other decisions that are now out there. I need to know for certain, have absolute confidence that I am making the right choice. And that Chip is 100 percent on board with it. But that is for another day. It is late and I am weary and my headache is coming back. Time for a cup of coffee and a piece of tropical orange cake.
Thank you, my friend, for opening the door. This is going to take some work and much thought, but hey, I have the rest of my life, and my beloved. And a bunch of awesome friends to walk with me.