Thursday, June 20, 2013

Peaceful Feelings

It seems again lately that I am noticing every white van with ladder racks that goes by. My pulse quickens a bit and I feel that happy anticipation that I used to have when I saw Chip pulling into the driveway. It is as if I feel his physical presence inside that van, and he is really coming home to me. And this is a good feeling, not exactly sad like you would expect. It feels comforting and peaceful.

Today BMK was teasing me for being sappy. Yes, you were just teasing, I know. And I said something to Courtney when I was leaving about being sappy and she said that she would hope that if something happened to her, someone would miss her as much as I miss Chip. That really touched me, because it is true. I love that man with all my heart and there is no one I would rather be with than him. It's a really good feeling to have that dedication and loyalty. And through this journey I know that he continues to walk by my side.

And again, that feeling of all being right with the world is back. Such a wonderful place to be. Hoping that some things are ironing themselves out and more good things are to come. If Dave can do the hay for me, that will be one huge load off my mind. And if the bush hog needs looked at, I am sure he will do that too. Really need a buddy to work with me, and Dave is the perfect one.

Today it popped into my head that I have been timid for many years now. Working at DR Court really took a lot out of me. We were not allowed to use initiative or make any decisions, and were all terrified to make mistakes and feel the wrath of " The Bat". And I remembered that I ran the offices at Service Merchandise and was headed to be a corporate trainer right before the stores closed. And at the bank I was customer service manager, and created, organized and gave a seminar to the entire company about superior customer service practices, and initiated an online training program for all of the employees. Wow. Really, I have accomplished quite a bit. And I am looking forward to many more accomplishments in the future. Given a little time, I will learn all of this stuff and be a super awesome assistant.

So, really, things feel a little more at ease lately. After the last couple of weeks with the angst and hurt feelings over not being able to trust, it is a welcome relief. And a really good learning experience. Sure, it hurts that I will question certain people's motives and the validity of their words. Yes, it is unfair that I was placed in that situation. But I am tough, and I will just have to remember and really be more careful with what and who I believe. And there are people that I can trust. And it is such a great feeling that one has when one feels that trust. You can be relaxed and honest and authentic without fear of being betrayed or taken advantage of. And now that ability to trust certainly means more to me than ever before. It is just that, when you believe what someone says, you can relax and feel the true emotions of the moment, not be on guard all the time. You can feel that lightness of being, that freedom to allow your heart to soar. Chip was/is the only person that I could ever trust fully and completely. And I love that feeling of light heart and soul. That wonderful uplifted feeling of happiness flooding your very core. I will trust again, fully and freely.  And things will just continue to get better.

Getting late, and last night got away from me, talking to Brad. So I am definitely going to go to bed early tonight.

Open your hearts, be excellent to one another.

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