So many people have come to me in the last two years and told me they think I am one of the strongest people they know. And I think "WTF??? I feel like I am going to lose my mind." And, while I am an extremely emotional person when it comes to expressing joy and tears, I just came to the realization ( thanks Brad) that I do not express anger. I hate confrontation. And it has always been easier for me to turn my back and swallow it, than to lash out and express it. Ok, there were those couple of times when I lost it, but when I do, people just don't know what to do. Not that I am angry or anything. Just making an observation.
And lately I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. It runs the gamut. In a single evening, hell in an hour, I can be elated, joyful, tearful, depressed, hopeless, then hopeful all over again. And I'm pretty sure that it isn't PMS. Has it just taken this long for everything to hit me? I thought I had been dealing with it pretty well. But, it was winter, and harsh, and we were in survival mode with the farm. Just trying to keep the fences hot and the cows in and enough hay on the ground to keep them fed and happy. I was really preoccupied. And now there is plenty of grass and the cows are happy. And there are fences to clear and hay to cut. But just now as I write this ( that's why this is such good therapy for me ) I got the impression " hey, that's not so bad. You have done this every year and you will be able to do it still." And the gardens that need cleaned, hell, that's fun stuff for me. And everything else, well, I have the rest of my life. The world won't stop if I don't trim the hedges. And of course my inner work. I feel like I have pushed that aside a little lately, and I am really wanting to get back. I need to get back to my old self. I don't want to lose that connection. It means way to much to me. And I am so grateful for my support system ( I LOVE YOU GUYS ). I really need to be more dedicated to my homework, I think that is essential.
So here I am , struggling to get my head above the surface again. And really, life ain't that bad. Nothing that some courage and determination, and good friends can't handle. The Universe has sent me these situations. And that means that I am on the right path. Just need to get a grip on this anxiety and overcome it. The thing that is missing is Chip being here to take me in his arms and squeeze me and say "you've got this Red!" Well, he is still here.
And you better believe that when I get through this and get back to normal, I am so gonna celebrate.
When I sell the other farm in Indiana, first thing ( after setting aside capital gains taxes ) I am getting the bathrooms remodeled and new carpet. And maybe some other stuff, too. So there is a lot to look forward to. This PTSD is not going to kick my butt. I AM more than this. I have a great job, working with great people. I live in paradise. I have some wonderful family and friends both 2 and 4 legged. God is looking out for me. He sent me all these wonderful things. Just trust and allow and all good things will come.
So I have been rambling here far too long. I have gotten a few key thoughts out so I better stop here and call it a night.
May you all have peace and joy