Wow, I have been sliding into a deeper and deeper depression over the past few weeks. One would think that I would be beginning to really heal and get moving again, but I find it harder and harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel lately. Maybe it is because I was so excited about getting the new job and looking forward to that and now there is nothing new to look forward to. I do look forward to Monday and Tuesday nights. That is a lifesaver in itself. And I guess that since I am feeling blue, I am not as open to Source and not receiving as much guidance as I had hoped. I have no appetite and have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks. A cry for help? Nah, not really, but maybe. More like I just need to get my feelings out and hope that in doing so I will release some of this tension. This probably could be considered post traumatic stress disorder. I mean, I can rationalize almost everything I am feeling. Lost my soul mate to a terrible disease, just took on a new and unfamiliar job, have lots of work at the farm to do and not sure how to do it all. Sometimes I feel like it is a miracle that I can even find my way out of bed each morning. But I am trying to plug along there because there has to be some relief coming. Doesn't there?
I am very thankful to Brad for calling me yesterday exactly when I needed it. That gave me the lift that I needed to get me through the rest of the night. And the way it came about made a lot of sense to me because I was thinking about him right before he called.
Am I trying too hard, or not hard enough? Maybe I need to dive into my work ( home, farm, office and inner ) and completely distract myself. Or maybe I need to take a couple of weeks off and run away. Or maybe I should just go down the middle and be kind to myself, loving and compassionate, as I would to someone else going through this same thing. That's the rub, I know what I would tell someone else if I were asked for my opinion, but can't seem to be able to take my own advice. Ack!! I know what I need to do, but just can't seem to do it. Thing is, when Chip was here physically, he would always be able to comfort me. A big bear hug and his loving words of wisdom always made me feel better.
This has to go back to unresolved childhood issues. The six year old in me is scared and uncomfortable. She needs to know that she is safe and loved and capable of all of the challenges ahead of her. And of course, worthy of all of the rewards headed our way.
So, there you go. I have bared my soul again. This is two fold. It is a form of therapy for me - letting out the feelings that are plaguing me. And also possibly, my words and my experiences may bring some comfort to someone who is going through the same thing, feeling these same feelings. If, in sharing my journey I can bring a sense of peace to some one else, then I have made a difference.
Lets all make a difference