This came to me this morning at around 3:00 a.m., waking me out of a dead sound sleep. "This is what you need to write about!", it insisted. "ok, but it is three o'clock in the morning, can I do it when I get up?" I replied, half zoned out. "Sure!!" So then I began to drift off again, the last thought I remember being, "I hope I remember this when I wake up". Around 5:00, I wake with a start - "why I blog!" I blurt out. The dog grumbles and rolls over, and I feel a bit sheepish and do the same.
So , yeah. blogging is such a great form of therapy for me. And more importantly, it preserves my story, my memories. This has become very dear to me, as I have gone back to visit an old blog of mine, and re-discovered many memories that I had all but forgotten. Little things that at the time did not seem very relevant but I recorded them anyway, and now, looking back, I am gifted with the wonderful blessing of remembering. Little things that Chip and I did together, or said. This is a priceless gift, one that can be visited again and again. Like the beautiful, touching and funny cards that Chip would give to me. To touch the paper that he touched, to run my fingers along his oh so familiar handwriting.
And though I know that others may read this blog, and some of the things I include are for specific person's benefit sometimes, I really am trying to be true to myself. Yeah, I know I have mentioned this several times before, but I am being nudged to say it again - I know that I am not anonymous here any more, and that is ok, because I trust that the people who read this and know me, know me well enough to not judge me. These are words from my heart, and sometimes from my higher self. Sometimes I am playful, sometimes serious. I have shared some of my darkest feelings here. And some of my greatest triumphs. And that gets pretty personal. There are just a couple of people that I really feel comfortable baring my soul to, and fortunately, there are other ways to share some of the most personal stuff with them. But I dutifully record in truth the things that I am compelled to, even when I fear that I may be giving too much information. Who knows, if something I say may help another person, then that is a job well done. And I really do enjoy getting feedback.
The little boys across the street have endeared themselves to me and me to them. They came over looking for some work and I just could not turn down those soulful little eyes. So I handed them some rakes and had them rake up all of the bush and grass clippings from the yard. And now I have two new friends. I wonder if one of the reasons I identify with children so much is because of my inner 6 year old. She never got a lot of opportunity to be a child, so now she is starved for that kind of interaction. Do children see the 6 year old in me and is that why they are drawn to me? They do not seem to view me as an adult authority figure, but more as an older sister, or a peer. They seem comfortable with me, curious to learn what I know. Or is it just because my lifestyle is so interesting? These kids were asking me all kinds of questions about the horses and cows and bull and how things work and I showed them that you can eat the lemon balm and pineapple mint that grows wild in the back yard, and even brought Buck out into the back yard so they could pet him and see him up close. And it was so enjoyable. Just like playing with Ella and Reagan at work. The child in me gets right down there and plays with these kids. There is such a bliss in being free to express your joy in life. And it really warms my heart and soul that I can show these kids things. When I brought the horse over, their eyes got so big and they got so excited to actually get to touch a real horse. I remember how I felt the first time I got to do that, and one of my true joys in life has been sharing that experience with other children. It has been many years since I have done this and I welcome it again. I remember Shane and Shawna, who in the summer would beg their mom to drop them off for the afternoon with me so we could ride Rusty and Shadow and clean the barn and put up fence. Those kids were real workers, and I did not mind one bit watching them all day. Again, they were like little friends, not kids I was baby sitting. Maybe this can be healing to my inner child, now that I am getting to know her better and trying to nurture and love her.
Just had a nudge, Brad, you should like this - I need to learn to nurture and love myself. In doing so I can give more of myself to others.If I am going to do something awsome for mankind then I need to be fully charged and energized, so that my light can shine, illuminating the path for others.
Love to all who are sharing this journey.