Funny, but I told Rebecca today that this was going to be the name of my post for tonight, after we had a hilarious conversation about being naive, and her mangling a really crude street slang in a court hearing, having made it oh so funny, and much less vulgar. And then tonight that same theme kind of came up in conversation. Always, always, will say or think about something and then very shortly after, that same thing will be brought up by someone else. But oh, gosh, that was funny. I am now in the negative for my street cred. I think I have -10 points. Damn! Went into the negative because I knew that the Brady Bunch was going to be at King's Island last Sunday. I really must be careful. The street cred commissioners are keeping a careful eye on my behavior, looking for any infraction. If they even think that I am gratuitously seeking points, it will be counted against me. I was conjuring up a F*** today for BMK when he reminded me of that and I couldn't keep a straight face. I guess my cursing will have to be spontaneous in order to earn points. But, I do think that I will get that tattoo. It will be small, and very meaningful. And Brad S. mentioned it tonight as well.
You know, every scar, every line, every tear I have shed tells a story. Each one has meaning and purpose. Each is a memory, and a lesson learned. Some of them are visible still, most I carry inside. No regrets. I was reminded that there are some wounds that I have been holding on to and that it is time to heal them. Perhaps then I will be truly free. And looking at my hands right now, they are rough and calloused. But they are strong. Chip always said I have strong little hands. When I envision my inner self, I can see all of the healing that has been going on lately. I must be incredibly strong, though at times I feel so weak. But in doing the difficult things, I open the door for growth and expansion. My goal, after all, is to develop into a powerful soul, one who will be able to do great things for mankind and the universe.
After talking to Brad, I went for a long walk. The night is beautiful, even though it is almost 90 degrees out there. Buck walked right over to me and rubbed on me affectionately. That is new. And I was thinking about Dad. Thinking about how I am so glad that I spent those couple of hours with him that last time, after I got home from the dentist. I wanted to check on him, and I had a couple of hours before Chip got home since I left work early. I thought I would just check in and then have some time to myself to just clean up the house or read. But Mom was out shopping and Dad wanted me to stay and talk. And as much as I really wanted to go and have some extra free time, something in my heart said that this may be the last time Dad and I would have. So I stayed. And we talked. And I learned some things about him that I never knew. Never. Not in all my 40 years. And it was because Mom was not there to monitor our conversation, so he spoke freely. I remember that I asked him if he wanted me to do anything specifically for him or his sons or if he had any wishes that he wanted me to carry out for him, regardless of what my mother insisted. He assured me that everything was as he wanted it, so I knew that I could take care of things without any doubts as to what he wanted. He gave me some of his treasured possessions, things he knew that I would love and appreciate - his coin collection, fossil collection and arrow heads. It just seemed as if he felt free to express himself without her there. And I am so grateful for that time, because it was the first and only time that I was ever really with my father alone. We had never been close when I was a child and only in the last couple of years was I able to get as close to him as we did. Now I know that my mother always tried to keep us apart, to pit one against the other so that she had each of us on her side and neither against her. Oh, the cruel, screwed up, twisted, reality of that. And that really was the last time that we had. And because of that, I can have lightness of heart and conscience, because we had a wonderful time. I have no regrets. We made our peace that day, and I carry that in my heart.
Well, I did all of that above to help open the door to some more work I need to do, and I did a good job of it if I do say so. Everything I just wrote came freely, without any editing or censoring. My heart said what it needed to say. The rest of it will be private, but the above needed to be shared.
It is so good to feel loved and supported. I have to mention this again, even though I know I have said it many times. This journey is exciting and wonderous, but also frightening and lonely. It is difficult when you have all of these thoughts and sensations, and no one to discuss them with. I am so grateful for this community, who has opened their arms to me and accepted me. I will make you proud. I want you to know how much you all mean to me, and to thank you for coming along for the ride.