Still thinking about what Danylle said to me on Tuesday about Chip, and him being right where everything he loves is. She doesn't know what an impact that made on me, because I had been struggling with the thought of maybe selling and getting out. But the guilt of walking away from this place and everything we have known and loved and worked so hard for all these years made it unbearable to really follow through on. And of course, that this place is our legacy, and the kids will someday carry that on in our name. So, as soon as she said that, it became more than clear to me that this is home and this is exactly where I am meant to be. So thank you to Danylle. Those kind words helped to clear my mind and help me see the truth in this part of my path.
Yesterday I had Taco Bell for lunch and got an apple empanada. Chip used to love those. Funny, they just don't taste the same without him here to share them with. Before we started going out, he went there every night on the way home from work and got his dinner. Now, surprisingly, I get dinner on the run more often than not. Why cook? Hey, I'm losing weight after all!
So I believe that I have realized and understood that problem I was working on. And I am ok with my decision. Now I realize how silly I was being and that I was just wanting results because I am fearful. But when that realization hit me that I am supposed to do this and learn and grow from it and to stand strong on my own, it was very freeing. This is my story. My time to shine. Not gonna stand in the shadows and hide. If I have a purpose, and that purpose is to teach and heal others ( or whatever it is ) then I need to step out and go for it. After all, I do have the support that I need from Chip and Spirit. I do need some guidance on how to go about learning and growing and doing all the things I will need to, but the Universe will send me the people that I need to have in my life to help me accomplish that. After all, look at how things have been going lately. The right people seem to keep showing up in my life when I need them. So I will leave that up to Spirit and hope that I am blessed with everything I need to go forward and do the job I am destined to. I know that this is a little cryptic, but it is the best way that I can explain it right now and I am only writing what is coming to me, stream of consciousness. With my angels by my side, I can do anything!
It just now occured to me that unless you have loved and "lost" your soul mate, you might not understand a lot of what I say in my blog. It is designed to tell my story, the story of my journey. A journey thorugh grief, and faith and love and spiritual awakening. A lot of the things I post come randomly, just as I stated in the previous paragraph. It just comes to me as I type - like my fingers just take over and keep moving and the words flow. And of course, I use words and concepts that many may not be familiar or even comfortable with. But this is my story, my journey, and I am compelled to share it. If another lost soul comes across my words and finds peace and healing in them, then I have accomplished something. And if not, well, at least I am getting my own form of therapy from it. But I do hope that others are reading and getting something from this blog. In some way, it is putting myself out there asking for validation- "hey, I'm here! Anyone out there? " But mostly the need to share and to serve is my intent. And I have mentioned before and am well aware - I am being completely vulnerable here. For the most part I am exposing my deepest, most innermost feelings. And it is very cathartic. And there are some things that I would love to put in here but do not yet have the courage to expose those particular thoughts and experiences. Maybe I will put them in my book, yes? Yeah, I add some really silly stuff in here too. I really am looking for some people who are like minded and would enjoy getting together and discussing these things. Yesterday at work we were jokingly discussing the concept of time and it could have been a very deep and satisfying conversation if held in the appropriate venue. But as I said above - hopefully the Universe will provide me with the friends that I need to move forward on my journey. I REALLY need a couple of good amigos to walk with. Ya know. Like someone who has my back and loves me for who I am . A bunch of Beths ( love ya girl!)
It is a little chilly and overcast out there right now and I can't say that I am disappointed. Yeah, there is a lot of yardwork to be done, but if it rains, then it will have to wait, won't it. And like I said in yesterday's post, I am going to do what feels right anyway, and it looks like that is going to be listening to some music, popping some popcorn, watching a movie, reading my book, working on my homework ( not done too much there this week - other things on my mind ) and cleaning up the house. And tonight - a get together at Nancy's for some cake! Love you guys!
I feel Spirit right now. It feels so good when I feel wrapped in Chip's loving embrace. Last night as I was beginning this post I went outside to let Annie out and this came to me :
I can feel you on the wind tonight, as it blows past me, caressing my bare shoulders. Loving kisses drift across my face. I smile. You always show me how you love me. You are here. My love, my guide, my teacher. I cannot imagine a life without you.
Thankfully, I don't have to.