Just a quick one tonight - I seem to be saying that a lot lately. Just got back in from teddering the hay and time to shower and get to bed. I am loving this bedtime routine.
So Dave and Joe were cutting the hay and after I got done with a phone conference, I ran down to help. Time to tedder so I took over and the boys left to do some work for Dave's dad. Now, this is after they have worked all day, then come over to help me until 8:30 and then they are going to put in a couple more hours of work. These are some awesome guys. And I will have more to say about them in another post.
Got on the tractor and waited for the boys to leave and all of a sudden the floodgates opened. I mean, I was bawling. Driving the tractor, tedder going full tilt, hay flying everywhere, and I was just overcome with this extreme sadness and grief. Of course it was because this is the first year without Chip. I have taken on his anxieties about the hay now. And I miss him so. Here I was, doing the job that I always enjoyed so much when we did hay, and I was so overwhelmed with these feelings. And I wanted to look over and see him passing by in the big tractor, thumbs upping me, like he used to. So, yeah, it was sad. And I am stressed. But stressed in an emotional way, because I miss him so much and all these things are reminding me that he is not physically here, and of all the wonderful times we spent doing this very job.
While sitting there, driving and wiping at my eyes with my gloves, I decided, NO MORE. I am finished crying. Enough. The tears won't bring him back. They won't make the work any easier. They won't do anything. So no more. They won't help me decide whether to keep the farm or sell. They won't help me to find a companion/partner/helper. So there. We will see. Anyone who knows me knows that I cry at EVERYTHING. You could sneeze and I would burst into tears. But this is different.
One other thing for tonight and then I will have to get to bed. Probably will only have quick posts for the next few nights as I will be out in the fields working pretty much from the minute I get home from work until after dark. Again, this was always one of the hardest seasons for us, but we always worked together, side by side. I know you are still here with me, and I hope you are proud.
Fields of Gold, my love. Always.