Seriously, this has got to be a quick post. Last night I was up until 2:00 again. It is killing me. But I just had to get this in.
This last 6 months have been so strange for me. My life used to be ordered and ruled by habit. Up at the same time, to bed at the same time, sit on couch and read and watch T.V.. I have watched perhaps 10 hours of television in the last several months. And even though I am a voracious reader, I cant tell you the last time I pulled out my kindle. And all of the new things I have been doing and learning and experiencing. Look at all of the new people I have met, both in person and through the radio community. There are more loving and supportive people coming together now, and this may be part of the shift. I too, have been experiencing a shift. I don't like it. Yeah. Too much drama. And I know that things are changing for me and that makes me sad and lonely. I admitted to a friend today that I am very tired, weary right now. If I could just go hide in a cave for a few years that would be fine with me. And Chip just told me to "Get out of the drama!". So I am going to. So new friends, new job, a tattoo, new abilities arising every day. I still feel weak. But I have to follow my heart. Allow it to heal. Each day I will gain new insight and strength in my challenging situations. If my words bring comfort or peace to one person, then I will have made a small difference for mankind. There are still challenges, but I hope I will face them with courage and determination, and grace. And integrity. I fear that I was beginning to compromise my integrity in some situations and that is not acceptable. And I have to work on that. To thine own self be true. I must forgive myself and be tender with myself for the huge mistake I made. And I hope that the important people will forgive me as well. So see, I am sharing this confusion with my readers. Any one who reads regularly will be able to watch as I go through this new experience. It ain't pretty. Especially when I can't put into words what I am feeling. That makes it really hard. But today, as I shared my thoughts about the cave, I felt like, I so long to return home to Chip. This path is sometimes rough, sometimes joyful. On these days, it is difficult to imagine going another lonely day. But then look back at previous posts, that is why they are there. The night I got my tattoo and then went to the festival, and danced in wild abandon to the band, with my cousin. How happy I was! And when I look back, I can see my evolution. But it is time to be strong, and courageous and imaginative. I have questions that my heart must answer, and this is a tough one. And another thing Chip said," Don't make life harder than what it is. "
I think that says it all.