Why does it seem that I am in more pain and more confused now, than I was when Chip passed away? Is it just that the shock and trauma of his illness and passing are now healing and I find myself left with a clear view of life as it is now? There are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings whirling around in my mind, and worse yet, my heart. I feel several different "callings" on so many levels. And I am not sure if it is confusion over guilt of moving on, or fear of the future, or wanting to get going on the path to my purpose. There are so many reasons. And my head wants to explode. So many strange and , yes, wonderful things have been happening in addition to the confusion and sadness and uncertainty. I feel the shift. And I guess that is one of the reasons for my discomfort. I am being pulled by my heart. But I am not sure what direction I am meant to take. Can I trust my heart?
See, I have been feeling a lot more extroverted lately. Been putting myself out there, allowing myself to enjoy, and be seen. Dancing at the festivals, chasing a cowboy at the reenactment yesterday, getting my tattoo, and I am wearing a swim suit right now too. If you knew me you would know that I do not wear bathing suits! And my heart keeps calling to me. It has something very important to tell me, but I cannot tell what it is. So I am confused. Is it urging me to open up and love with all my heart ( like I always say to do here in this blog ) or is it telling me to be patient and cautious and chill out?
The boys came to hook up the equipment and I just got back home. That was really hard on me. At one point I was ready to just give up, but I got hold of myself and kept going. And we got everything hooked up pretty easily and the first trip around the fields complete. It just was really hard, this first year without Chip. But I believe that he is proud of me. I must have paid attention all those times we hooked up the cutter, because tonight was not too hard. Oh, little set backs, but I was there trying to impress two farmer guys with my abilities. So Wednesday night I will be teddering. I always loved raking and teddering because you just pretty much drive and zone out. Maybe I will listen to my new Theta CD. ' Course the tractor makes pretty much noise. Chip, my love, I am confident that Dave and Joe will take good care of the equipment. You saw how careful and respectful they were.
And thank you, dear BS, for not allowing me to spend the night "shoulding" myself. Immense relief. I actually feel as if a weight has been lifted. One day at a time. I have all the "tools" ( literal and figurative ) that I need and I do have faith that everything and everyone will come to me when I need them. I needed you to remind me of that. At this moment, thanks to you and my beloved, I actually am looking forward to the work this week, the opportunity to contribute some more blood, sweat and tears to the land. Actually, I shed all three there tonight ( damn barb wire fence, tangled in thorn bushes.) And the future does not seem as frightening. So again, thank you. My soul is at peace tonight.
And my skin is on fire. Working out in the sun in the bathing suit has given me a great sun burn. But my nice cool shower has me feeling clean and fresh and ready for bed. And since it is almost 11:30, an hour past my bedtime, I best get going. I shall have good dreams tonight, and hope that you do as well. Perhaps we will all visit one another there.