So many things going on in my head tonight and if I am not very cautious, I feel that I will find myself in a tailspin.
The good stuff: Went to another festival with Bonnie last night and we stayed until after midnight listening to a band, who, ironically is named After Midnight. We got right up front and danced.
I am really liking this festival and band stuff, it really gives me something to look forward to and a venue to let myself go and enjoy.
BMK just came and got Bailey. Annie is bummed. And I am going to miss him too. They had such a good time. And Bailey was really a good boy, except for a few accidents on the rug and a shoe he ate. I just need to get a good carpet cleaner and that will take care of the carpets. Ah, Bales, I miss you already.
Tomorrow is Chip's birthday. This is one of those firsts. The first one without him being here in the physical. I have some ideas for what I am going to do to celebrate. The feeling that is surfacing is gently guiding me that I may have a difficult time, even though I am consciously trying not to. And I understand this. It is letting me know that it is ok to feel whatever I feel. This is neither right nor wrong. Whatever emotions and thoughts come up are exactly what need to, in order for me to complete this particular experience. The kindest, gentlest, most loving thing I can do for myself is just to go with the flow and allow. Just one more step on this journey.
And I just had a very difficult but very necessary discussion with Prudy about the future of the farm. I was very honest and tried to guide the conversation so as not to appear critical or scolding. I let her know exactly how I feel and what my fears are and why I am so concerned. Really, probably a better way to get this out of my head is to journal it in my notebook, rather than here, as it is both a touchy and personal subject.
The important thing I need to remember here is that I have the rest of my life to make a decision. Nothing need be done this very moment.
One of the reasons I am putting this out there is because someone else may be going through these same issues. If they read this and get any insight into their own problems, maybe they will find some relief. Life would be, for me, a little simpler if I did not own the farm and all this property that is sucking the life out of me, rather than bringing me joy and contentment ( at least at this moment ) . But I have the feelings of loyalty and obligation to others, rather tangible or perceived, that are holding me back and putting pressure on me from feeling completely free to make any choices purely based on my own needs. And I really don't know what I want anyway. I just know that I need to have options. Having the options will greatly reduce any stress. And of course, knowing that Chip is ok with whatever decision I make. That is the important issue. Just as I said in a previous post, if I wait a day or two, I may change my mind. I am very impatient, but not impulsive when it comes to stuff like this. So in many ways, I am relieved that we had this discussion, as a weight has now been lifted as the topic has been placed on the table. But I do not care to feel these emotions of resentment and entrapment. That will need to be worked through. And if things start to improve, this whole rant may be moot. Maybe I will see some definite effort on the part of others. And maybe I will overcome my blocks and allow them to use the equipment and start helping out more. One of my faults is that I would rather do something myself, than ask someone else to do it, if it is something that I am able to do. Had I been able to do the hay myself, I'd have been out there doing more. As it were, I teddered and raked.
A thought just popped into my head. Are some of my feelings coming from Chip? I know that he had some of the same concerns. Is he sharing his thoughts with me, letting me know that he knows where I am coming from? Are we possibly having a "conversation" together, and he is giving me these impressions? Is that why I feel "doubly" angsty? Something to consider. I really could use his input here.
Once again, there is no time limit here. Things will unfold as they will. Then, that will determine to direction to ultimately take.
Know what? I wanna have some really good, funny posts. I need some really happy, positive things going on. Like, ummm, my mystery Civil War soldier/cowboy showing up. Bonnie and I discussed him last night on the way to the fair and she reminded me that he started the conversation with me. She said she asked me what kind of horse someone was on and I told her it was an Arabian, and he snapped his head over my way and struck up the conversation. She said he seemed very impressed that I knew the breed of horse. That means dude is a real horseman. Ah, just having a little fun. Harmless.
Bonnie said something else today that really surprised me and makes me wonder if I can have some deeper conversations with her. She told me that she believes that Chip sent BS to me. I already knew that , but it surprised the heck out of me that she would mention such a thing. I had no idea she was that open minded.
And now I have rambled enough. Got some good stuff off my chest tonight.
Namaste dear ones!