Wednesday, July 17, 2013

OK, Seriously, For Real, No More Negative People

*Edit*  Started this last night but it got late so adding to it today.

Strangest sensation today. Felt like a huge wave of hate and negativity crashing down on me. It really freaked me out and I feel a little sheepish now for starting to panic emotionally about it. Looks like I best start practicing grounding and putting up my shields. Really, though, I felt physically sick, dizzy, headachy, ready to hurl. And a nervous wreck. So to whomever or whatever sent that shit to me - Ain't nobody got time for that! As you recall, I have created a whole new beginning for myself. Starting a week ago today as a matter of fact. And actually, things did change. I became a lot more peaceful and relaxed. The weekend was a total blast. ( oh, yummy civil war cowboy, where are you? ) But today was just crazy. So I will forgive this one day, allow myself to get back on track, and go forward. But I am telling you - to all the negative hate mongers out there, get out ! Only love and light and peace are allowed in my space. And don't screw with my friends either.

All of the strange things that are going on in the last few days do have me a little skeeved out. But I have been reading several books at once, all concerning this kind of  matter. Something big and wonderful is about to happen. And I got another "sign" today in the form of a blue plastic Easter egg.
Is that not wild??  I think the universe has decided that my gifts will be blue, and that is how I will recognize them.

Gotta run help the boys hook up the baler and fill it with twine. There should be a fresh tank of fuel down there, and we are ready to rock and roll!  Maybe I will go out and rake a little tonight just to burn off some of this nervous energy and confusion. It feels better now that I have been told that this is just me growing and coming into my power. That proves that the things that I have been trying to accomplish are happening and I am getting better. Oh! And I did my mirror exercises today. So there.
Be back in a bit.......

Ok, it is next day now because I got back so late and tuned right in to the radio show and then was too exhausted emotionally and physically to do any more. Work has been a bear this week. But it has also been fun because I have been helping Brad do little things here and there and I like the opportunity to help him, and it takes a little off Candice's plate. Not that my attorney's don't keep me busy too. In fact, there is always something to do. Becky is such an angel, she showed me how to input an ARAG claim, and now I feel like it will be something I can stop fretting over learning. I love my attorneys! 

And it is late again. Just got in, been running all day and then home, laundry and quick to the barn to start raking. I love raking and teddering. Again, I got that overwhelming feeling of melancholy , thinking that for 20 seasons, Chip and I did all this together. As I made the final round in the top field, I looked to my right, at the shadow I was casting and could have sworn he was there with me. I gave him the thumbs up and told him that it is just not the same without him. But I cherish this time because it reminds me of all those years of us working together side by side. He used to get so worked up, worrying about whether it was going to rain, and years ago, before the new equipment, he was always worried about breaking down. So hay season was full of tension, but I was always the one who said "calm down, we will get it done, don't worry" and every year, it got done. And the relief! Then we were so joyous. At least as much as we could be, as exhausted as we were. Ah, 18 hour days, in the 90+ degree heat, traveling from Indiana with trailer loads of hay and then the equipment and then the tractor. Loved it after the fact. Memories. And I miss you so.
Yes, dear, I hope you are proud of us. We are doing it. And I must admit that the wonderful feelings I am having ( even though they are also a little sad) make me think that things are no so bad and I can do this. We will see. One day at a time. But I know that you sent Joe and Dave to help. And I know that you are watching over us. And I know you are enjoying all of this right along with me. And I know that you gave me a thumbs up tonight, too. I saw it in the shadow.

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